


at least i’ll still have me (or did i?)

by yokun



Category: B: The Beginning (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Beware of Typose, Character Death, Hurt No Comfort, Indirect Confessions, Multi, Uneditief, Unrequited Love, additional scenes to ep. 2, ambigious izanami, basically canon divergence, i use ‘they’ for izanami, like those two, there u go, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 13:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yokun/pseuds/yokun
Summary: “and if i don’t have you, at least i still have me.”or, alternatively: set before and after izanami is sent to kill koku. mid-battling quinn until the duo’s battle.





	at least i’ll still have me (or did i?)

**Author's Note:**

> another izakoku fic since i found this song on youtube (it’s called i’ll still have me by cyn, check it out —> https://youtu.be/-MZgtCp8mtc). it’s just me being bored. also, my b: the beginning memory is starting to fade as i patiently wait for season 2, so let me just cry on this now non-existent ship. enjoy!

_**i broke my back cause i thought you would too** _

_**i’d run in circles; i thought you would too** _

 

the snow-haired assassin looked above. the night was young, yet darkness plunged the sky as though it was already midnight. they could barely make out the stars and the constellations that were visible, but izanami could see snow angels and flowers; apricots and ravens. they reach out, pale hand reaching out, as though to grab a hand waiting for them. it was one of the few rare moment izanami removed their black gloves, a small memory that they were not living the life they had expected they would. it wasn’t tinged in blood.

 

**_maybe in another life_ **

**_everything worked out alright_ **

**_and things that made this harder passed by_ **

 

it was peaceful, back then. the institution was just them... playing around, living the life a normal child should have, oblivious of the world’s tainted truths and beautiful lies — izanami was satisfied, and they thought the others were, too, but it’s came to a point where they thought, _am i the only one that cares? am i the only one who is willing to stop when given the chance?_ they don’t say anything (they know they don’t deserve to even have a say), but izanami wishes they did.

 

they could barely see a ravenette, quiet and youthful in his actions. his heterochromatic eyes, his child-like grin from afar, his hooded face and his clever aura. izanami sighs. _how things have turned out was beyond my expectations. nevertheless, i should prove that i’m worthier than being decapitated by him._

 

**_but there’s no bad dream to wake up from_ **

**_know i got it bad when_ **

**_it’s the morning and you’re all that’s on my mind_ **

 

izanami doesn’t sleep that night.

 

they polish their daggers, glimmering smoothly beneath the full moon and the stars, a galaxy on their serving. they know what’s coming. they know there’s no altering of fate. but a silent plea goes at the back of the assassin’s mind — _i wish things never turned out this way. i wish we could just be accepted and gotten over with. i wish he could just see what.. what could be better for the both of us._

 

a dozen wishes, and yet there were no shooting stars that night. only izanami’s quiet cries, their polished weapon lying as though an innocent, harmless plant on the grassy ground, the moon a painful reminder that it will be the last scene they will ever see.

 

**_and if i don’t have you_ **

**_at least i’ll still have me_ **

**_and if i don’t have you_ **

**_at least i’ll still have me_ **

 

were they beautiful? izanami looks at their appearance in front of a big mirror, hands carefully tucked together as a dark, raven cloth hung over their arms. the stockings felt quite tight around their legs, but it was evident so they can get out easily from the outfit. their face felt heavy from the amount of white powder put, further emphasizing their pale appearance. the colors, though — the ligth shades of raven hues and the slight rose plant on their mouth — stayed.

 

assassin aside. izanami’s a courtesan for the night. all they have to do is to lock eyes and tell him everything he needed to know — they can then die without regrets.

 

**_i never thought twice_ **

**_cause you were my number one_ **

 

they meet at the rooftop. finally out of their outfit, izanami sees him. same face, same eyes, same thudding of their heart, same lies that had to sprout from their mouth.

 

they taunt him. and as everything else did, it went according to their plan. by then they were being chased by the demon king, wings flapping furiously as izanami skates around the loped hill. they could sense someone following the two, but they don’t take note of it.

 

for now, it should just be koku and them.

 

**_i put you first cause you were my only thought_ **

**_no more riding on the train_ **

**_no more smoking in the alley_ **

 

they bring them into the lake — one that was all too familiar. it was where them and laica used to look up to at the sky, the older teaching izanami the constellations and the stars. he tells them of predictions, observations and history. he tells them of what he sees, what he says, and what will be of them in the next ten years.

 

_“we should be living drastically. i can’t quite see it, but most of us are satisifed. it was never enough, though.”_

_“will koku be there with us? is he happy?”_

 

izanami should’ve knew with laica’s sad smile. _“i... can’t see that, snowflake. all i know is that we are fighting. we’re okay. it’s messy.”_

 

**_now my secrets stay with me_ **

**_everybody knows i’m upset_ **

**_they don’y even have to ask it_ **

**_(they know i believed in ‘us’ last week)_ **

 

“you’ve been doing all of this for her, and what has it brought you?” they exclaim into the windy night, slight sweat dripping down their pale neck as they fight with the demon hero. “it’s brought you nothing but despair, koku! it has—“

 

“none of your business!” a slice, koku’s armed sword digging softly into izanami’s pale cheek. blood red merging with raven. how they should’ve knew from the beginning that things were never meant to be.

 

_**there’s no reason to speak badly** _

_**we just reached our end** _

 

a fatal stab. it pierced through their clothes, their ribs, their heart — koku stands still, panting as he slowly reverts back to his humane form.

 

izanami looks at him — pure longing, regret — and tells him, “can we have one last talk?”

 

they don’t expect him to agree. and they’ve braced themselves for that. but koku nods, carrying the other’s petite body as they move from the lake to the institution’s abandoned grounds. a playground, one too familiar for the two of them. nostalgia swells up in izanami as they recall memories.

 

**_i will see you in parts of me_ **

**_in who i was back then_ **

 

“have i ever told you how much i wanted to protect you?”

 

“this leg wound proves your statement otherwise.”

 

izanami laughs, though it’s nothing but a mere, shaky breath. koku remains still, sitting on the soft ground as they look at the night sky. they had thought that the full moon from last night was the last scene they were going to see, but this — engulfed by their loved one’s warmth, looking into the deep, blue sky — wasn’t something they were expecting.

 

“i wanted to tell you before that you meant something to me. i had all the time, and yet i choose these pathetic sentences to be my last words.”

 

“don’t worry. no one other than me will be around to hear them. be yourself for once.”

 

they cry.

 

it wasn’t outfight sobbing into the night. no, that wasn’t izanami. crystalline tears fell from their face as they finally realize that it was their end. this was the last chapter in their book, but to koku, they were just a mere half of the chapter. izanami reaches out to the sky. koku clasps his in their’s.

 

**_if i don’t have you_ **

**_at least i’ll still have me_ **

 

“you’ve always lived to fulfill another one’s purpose.” the grip around their hand tightens. “why?”

 

izanami doesn’t say anything. instead, they stare up ahead, not knowing what words to tell.

 

“i’m sorry.” that’s what izanami says. they have nothing to be sorry of, but who told anyone that they were talking to koku?

 

for a small minute, they both have nothing to say. just feeling each other, their only sources of warmth. the last bit of the familiar memories that they both chose to forget, only to revive huge portions of it for this night. it burns a hole in izanami’s heart, and they turn to face the ravenette, who was staring up ahead into the sky.

 

“touch canopus,” the black swan says. koku looks down. this was it. “canopus will bring you to her. i know you’ve been dreaming of a way.”

 

koku looks up and gazes at the star. izanami bitterly laughs inside. “take my leg, you’ll need it.”

 

**_and if i don’t have you_ **

**_at least i’ll still have me, me, me_ **

 

at the end of the night, koku buries his friend’s body into the institution’s grounds.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> izanami was saying sorry to themself for always having to live for the sake of other’s.


End file.
